- man: Every bone of my body is broken. Doctor: it’s not possible. man: Any part of my body, I touch makes shout with pain, doctor examined and said you fool your finger is broken.
- Husband and his wife drinking hot coffee at a cafe.
Husband: Drink fast.
Husband: Look at board, hot coffee-rs.5, and cold coffee- rs.20.
- Wife: whenever we keep the money our son steals it, I don’t know what to do about it.
Husband: keep it in his books. I know he will never touch.
- A man attended biology practical exam.
Examiner: identify the bird name by its legs.
Man: I don’t know.
Examiner: you fail, what’s your name?
Man: see my leg and my name.
- Don’t take your troubles and worries to bed, but many people still sleep with their wife.
- One day man asked god, what’s the difference between your love and my love?
God smiled and replied, a fish in water is my love and a fish in plate is your love.
- A boy goes to see a cabare dance.
- His mom gets angry and asks him: did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?
- Boy: yes, I saw dad.
- A woman entered the house with a duck in her hand where her drunken husband was sitting.
- Husband: why are you bringing that big into the house.
- Wife: can’t you see? Its not pig it’s a duck.
- Husband: sorry I am talking to that duck.
- A thief was leaving the house; the child woke up and said to the thief: take my school bag also; else I will wake up my mom.
Mom, are our neighbors very poor?
Mom: no why?
Because that made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin.
Only once in your life you will get a right person with whom you will get married, so till then keep on sighting the wrong ones.
Seminar is defined as a process in which one person spoil his sleep for one night in an effort to make others to sleep.
Man1: whats difference between poetry and essay?
Man2: every word said by girlfriend is poetry. Anything said by wife is an essay.
Son do you smoke?
Son: no, dad.
Father: son do you drink?
Son: no, dad.
Father: do you tease girls?
Father: So you don’t have any bird habit?
Son: only one dad, I never tell truth.
Many years have passed,
Million of tomorrow gone,
But still the hope remains an all the student that
we will study tomorrow.
Man1: I sent love letters to my girl friend everyday for 3 years.
Man2: what happened?
Man1: she married the postman.
Man1: I just had a narrow escape, a bus went over me.
Man2: how did you escape then?
Man1: luckily I was standing under flyover.
Soul1: how did you die?
Soul2: due to cold, you?
Soul1: I doubted my wife with a man and searched my house found none, felt guilty and commit suicide.
Soul2: I was in fridge.
When your life is in darkness, pray to god ask him to free you from darkness. Even after you pray if you are still in darkness, pay the Electricity bill.
Boy1: why are you laughing?
Boy2: my dad beat me with his belt as I failed in exam.
Boy1: what’s there to laugh about that?
Boy2: his pant fell down when he removed the belt.
Definition of laziness: it’s a talent of taking rest before you got tired.
When a black cat falls down, what will be the white cat say? Don’t think like a scientist it will only say meow.
I pretend to study here because they pretend to teach me.
Smaller things hurt more in life than bigger one. You can sit on the top of the mountain, but you can’t sit on the tip of the needle.
To be is to do- Socrates. To do id to be- Plato now the best of all do be do be do- Scooby doo.
Life is hot- live it, anger is bad- dump it, fear is awful-face it, memories are sweet-cherish it, sender is smart- accept it.
Extreme height of laziness: Thief1: let us count the money that we have ribbed today at bank.
Thief2: oh! No, I am so tired, we will see in news.
Speaking snakes found in America. One person asked “who is your president? The snake replies bussh.
Judge: do you accept that you stole the money from him?
Man: no my lord, he only gave me.
Judge: when did he give you?
Man: when I showed him the knife.
In rape case. Judge: you are fined Rs.11420 and 5 years. Rapist: why my lord exactly Rs.11420? Judge: Rs.10000 for rape 4% vat and 10.2% entertainment tax.
Father: what were the two hardest things you learnt in the college?
Son: opening beer bottle with teeth and lighting cigarettes only I match left in heavy wind.
Man celebrating 60th birthday. Guest: what’s this bulb in place of candle? man: it’s difficult to put 60 candles on cake, so I put this 60 watts bulb.
Get a girl who cooks well, get a girl who takes care, get a girl who looks well make sure that 3 girls don’t meet each girl.
Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger?
Son: I start cleaning toilet.
Dad: how does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean with your tooth brush.
Don’t be so proud that your boy/girl friend is always sending you cute and romantic sms Wait and think who is sending all that to him / her.
Maths teacher if you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to aruna, 3 to anitha and 4 to kavita then what will you get? Student: 3 new girlfriends.
A typical student flips a con and think.
Head- will go to sleep
Tail- will watch a movie
Stand- will listen music
Stays in air- I will study.
In the cruel world it’s very difficult to find a friend with beautiful feelings, pure heart, smart personality and stylish looks so don’t lose me.
American: do you know swimming?
American: dog is better than you, it swims
Indian: do you know swimming?
Indian: then what’s the difference between you and dog.
Argument between British and India.
British: we spoiled your mother land for 200 years.
India: we are spoiling your mother tongue daily.
A women had eight son all named peter. On asking how she managed to call one in particular, she answered: that’s easy, I call them by their initials.
Seven America met me and they wanted to kill most intelligent person. I gave them your address. See how I fooled them and saved my own life.
1. there is no wind in the football.
2. The girl with the mirror (specs) comes here.
3. I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk?
4. You 3 of you stand together separately.
5. You go and understand the tree.
Judge: why are you arrested?
man: for shopping early.
Judge: well, that’s not a crime. Anyway how early were you shopping?
man: before the shop opened.
If you read it, I am smart if you save it, you agree that I am smart if you forward it, you are spreading I am smart, if you delete it, you are jealous.
If a cow get affects in an earthquake what will it give instead of milk? Think milk shake.
man had twins he named Tara and Sitara, again twins he named Peter and Repeater, again twins he named Max and Climax, again twins finally he named Tired and Retired.
Boy to girl: I want to share everything with you, your sadness, your happy moments, girl: let us start with your bank account.
A British invested 2 lakhs in a business and suffered huge loss. Do you know what the business was? He opened a saloon in Punjab.
Smiling is the second best things you can do with your lips, of course, the first best things keeping them closed.
A man watching star movies, suddenly got up and searched the whole house finally sat down scratching his head.
Wife: why are you doing like this?
man: there is a secret camera in our home, else hoe will the TV guy say correctly that you are watching star movies.
man traveling 1st time in plane, going to Bangalore. While landing, he shouted ‘Banglore Banglore” airhostess said: B silent. man: ok anglore anglore.
Dr.chopra, psychotherapist wanted his name to be painted in front of his clinic. Gave the work to a man He wrote like- Dr.chopra “psycho” the rapist.
A famous man declaration to media: I will never marry in my life and I will give same advice to my children also.
man wins 10 crores from lottery ticket. Dealer gave 7 crores after deducting tax. Angry man, give me 10 crores, otherwise give my 20 rupees back.
Interviewer: just imagine you are in 3rd floor, It caught fire, How will you escape?
man: it’s very simple, I will stop my imagination.
man1: why are you running so fast?
man2: to deliver this letter urgently.
man2: no time to read the address.
man1: ok go fast.
When ever I miss you- I will read your sms. When ever I want to see you- I will just close my eyes. When ever I want to here your voice- I will throw stone on dog.
Happiest man is one whose daughter photo is on femina cover, Son on India today, girl friend on film fare and wife on missing column of newspaper.
Why boys spend so much time on much improving their looks and their minds? Because they know that girls are stupid, but not blind.
Another moon possible? Another sun possible? Another friend like you? Just impossible because manufacturing defects occur only once.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
Wife: what do you like in me, my prety face or my sexy body? Husband: I like your sense of humor.
Smile is the gift given by god to us. So keep on smiling smiling smiling until you are admitted in a mental hospital.
A lover gives love, a father gives protection, a mother gives life but a real friend gives figure cell number.
Modern year: a newly born baby asks the nurse, do you have a mobile? Nurse: yes, I have, but why do you need mobile? Baby: to give missed call to god that I reached.
Best of craziness? Xerox a blank paper.
Best of stupidity? Look through a keyhole of glass door.
Best of honesty? Pregnant women gets one and half ticket in bus.
Best of suicide attempt? A dwarf jumps from the footpath on the road.
Best of joblessness? You read the whole sms.
Sweetest kiss- on the fore head,
Loveliest- on cheeks,
Most and the hottest kiss- on your vehicles silencer try it.
Wife: What will you give me if I successfully climb and reach the top of the great Mount Everest?
Husband: A gentle push.
man1: Laughing behind man2 at ATM. Ha ha ha. I have seen your password.
man2: what is it?
man1: its 4 star (****).
man2: you are wrong, its 1234.
Love is sweet poison, lover is slow poison, wife is quick poison, but wife sister is good medicine.
Mistakes are not a crime, if you can rectify them; they are the key to success. Eg: good created you, so what? He rectified his mistakes by creating me.
Life is five star 1st star is sslc girl, 2nd star +2girl, 3rd star is college girl, 4th star is wife and top star is wife sister.
man lost his cheque book.
Bank: be careful, anyone can put your sign.
man: I am not a fool, I have already signed al the cheque.
Reaction of girls when they lost their purse: Poor girl- my money. Rich girl- my credit card. Sweet and pretty girl: oh god! Vinith Photo.
During marriage ceremony why is the man made to sit on the horse or in the car? Ans: god gives him a last chance to escape.
man essay on Indian cow: He is the cow. He has got four legs together. Two are forward and two afterwards. Its gives milk which comes from 4 taps attached to thee basement. Its motion is very useful, green color. It has tail situated in the backyard and has hair on it to frighten flies. Many use it as vehicle also.
man removing two wheels from his car. Man: why are you removing wheels from your car? man: you stupid see the board, parking for two wheeler only.
Math’s sir: a=b, b=c, a=c. prove this method with example. Student: sir, I love you. You love your daughter, so I love your daughter. Tats all sir.
Love is a life. Life is a wife. Wife is a knife. Knife is a cut to our freedom life.
Seven rules to be happy
1. Never hate.
2. Don’t worry.
3. Live simple.
4. Expesct little.
5. Give a lot.
6. Always smile.
7. Tell my name 100 times daily.
What is peak of poverty? When miss universe is ready to kiss you for only 2 rupees and you have only 1.75 rupee.
Who was the first person to have a laptop? Guess its lord Shiva. Parvathi on lap and Ganga on top.
Wife to husband: did you have any girl friend before marriage? Husband: remains silent. Wife: what is the meaning for the silence? Husband: don’t disturb while counting.
Please pass this message to all your friends. A poor baby needs 1. benze car. 2. Nokia n95. 3. Laptop. 4. $1,00,000. Please help this poor baby. Contact no. 1234567890.
man: Last night I saw an English movie. It had no scenes or sound. Friend: what is the name of the movie? man: no disc.
Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, small people talk about other people and the legends never talk they just send message like me.
man calls Englishman for lunch, curd was served. Englishman asks what this is. man did not know English. He explains milk sleeping in night, morning become tight.
Secret of being young:
Sleep at the right time,
Study at the right things,
Speak the right ones,
Eat the right food and
Tell the wrong age.
What is confidence and over confidence? A 99 year old lady buy a one year sim card is confidence. Buying lifetime sim card that is over confidence.
Why fire engine red in color? Ans: fire engine has ladder. Ladder has steps. Steps are to be climbed on foot. Foot is to be measured by a ruler. Ruler can be a king or queen. Elizabeth is queen of England. Elizabeth is also the name of ship that sails on water. Water has fishes, it has fins, and the people of Finland are called fins. National flag of Finland is red. So fire engine is red in color. This is how we write exam answer in detail.
Once three turtles decided to go on a picnic: When they got there, they realize they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn’t eat the snacks until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, two turtle said: oh come on let’s eat the snacks, suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said: if you do like I won’t go.
I like three things: Pizza, Pepsi and you. Pizza to eat, Pepsi to drink and you to pay the bill.
A man looking at an ice cube in sunlight for one hour someone ask him what are you doing? man replied: I am checking that from where it’s leaking.
man received a text message from his girl friend: I Miss you.
man replied I Mr. you.
Happy nite. Sarry I am pul tite, if thery is ani swelling fistake, then plz carrot it and eed. Plz don’t fishtake me.
Dad: if you pass in the exam, I will present you one cycle.
Son: if I fail?
Dad: I will present 10 cycles.
Dad: to open cycle shop.
Touch your heart you will feel the rhythm of you heart beat. Touch your head; you will feel the rhythm of tapping an empty pot.
A pessimist sees the glass half empty, an optimist sees it half full, and the realist, just add whisky and say cheers.
An accident occurred, crowd gathered and a man reporter couldn’t get in. the clever man cried, my father, the crowd made way for him, but what man saw there was a donkey.
You may have five reasons for not messaging me.
1. No time.
2. No free message.
3. No balance.
4. Network problem.
5. You are not daring enough to disturb a lion.